apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
