I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize