margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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