I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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