3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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