Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
