I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
