So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize