I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So squirting runs in the family.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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