I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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