1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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