Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
