Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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