My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
