I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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