Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
