You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
