like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
