Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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