I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
