I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize