dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
