They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
