Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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