my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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