Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
