I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
