she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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