Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
