made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I want her autograph on my taint
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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