woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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