You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
