1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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