he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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