Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
