just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
