nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
