Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
