I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
