i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just tell him i said nine months
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
