I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
