Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I am naked and annoyed.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
