I think I died a long time ago.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i think we sleep fucked last night...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
