An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
