He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think my fart just growled at me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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