I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
