Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
