Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
