hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
