Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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