remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
