Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He felt like a one man threesome
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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