The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
