Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
