I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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