haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
