I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
